I have once again just added up all the homes I have lived in during my life. I am up to fifty one and as moving day approaches, about to claim fifty two. That is approximately 1.3 homes per year of life.
My home is a cacophony of boxes and precious treasures (aka My Star Bears) packed safely into their travel buses, (aka huge plastic bins) and a single candle is lit on my bare alter table.
The life ahead is unknown, and yet, at least this time, it is not so afar away and much is already familiar. Still the same inner process unfolds every single time. First the resistance to uprooting, then the relief of securing a new foundation, then the ritual of “emptying out and letting go” (how does one single person, accumulate so much paper and other stuff even when priding herself on a deep commitment to simple living?) There is gratitude to be able to pass on some lovely things to strangers who will now enjoy them and deep apologies to Mother Earth for the inevitable waste that our plastic and styrofoam filled world still has not figured out how to recycle or re invent.
Then the sleepless nights begin. First one, then another and another. All the supplements, stretching, breathing, soothing music and mantras fail to help me and the hours tick by until day light arrives.
Finally, I lay down after a steamy, hot shower and turn on a yoga nidra guided meditation. I do not get past the first few prompts, mouth, eyes, heart. A searing contraction in my heart, and tears welling up in my eyes. I recognize the presence of my tiny, inner child and she is so scared. Hiding away from my awareness in the more dominant feeling of “I’ve got this! I know how to move, all is well, everything will work out for the best” She is not buying it and persists in squeezing my heart until I allow her to be as she is.”
The tears turn into wales of “I am so scared!” Over and over she cries and I know to just hold her and coo and validate and empathize. “I know, Wee One, we are moving AGAIN. I know how painful it is for you to lose your cozy, safe place and launch out into life again. It’s ok to be afraid and I have got you.” This is as old as I am, the deepest pain I know, and it is not just the anxiety of shifting houses, it is the fear of arriving on earth, moving from the home of infinite love and oneness into this field of density, difficulty, insecurity and separation. I hear her say, “I am terrified!!!”
Finally her fear and tears and gripped heart are fully felt and softened. Life is calling, clients waiting for their zoom session and dear neighbors are showing up to take me to a farewell dinner.
It is only 7:30 in the evening and I am already in bed. I sleep like a baby and dream of walking, walking, walking along a shoreline to a new home. It is a place I lived as a child, however now it is swarmed with refugees. And military men guarding them. There are thousands of dark skinned people packed into fenced areas along the shoreline and I have to walk through their encampments to get to the huge bridge that connects to the city I am to live in. I bow my head as I walk. I know I am an intruder in their home space and I offer my prayer hands and apologies and send them as much love as I can muster. I connect with a young woman who is one of their leaders and she shows me the way through and safely escorts me on my way. I am free to continue, she is not.
I find a ride with some friends who are also traveling and we cross the bridge. I remember it from my childhood, one of the biggest in our country, only now it is vast and has arteries that extend in all directions over the vast waters. It is the bridge to everywhere!!!
I wake up in the morning with the familiar dream hangover of trying to find my way to somewhere that is fraught with confusion and challenges.
And then the next layer arises. I see a memory on facebook of one of the most amazing homes I had the delight of living in for a while on Maui. It is right there waiting for me as I awake from my deep sleep. My heart softens and I find myself now walking back through every single home I have ever lived in and they are all, but one or two, utterly stunning, beautiful, charming and enchanting. From tropical mansions, to bluff side, tin roof surfer shacks, to red rock canyon cottages, to snow covered mountain retreats, to friendly neighborhood ADU’s that give me not only a home, but a sense of belonging and even family.
I light my single candle and find myself in tears again. This time they are tears of gratitude. I am awash in amazement at the collection of magnificent homes I have been gifted over my life. I see pictures of them all in my mind’s eye and remember all the delight, joy and soul fulfillment each have blessed me with. I am overcome by the remembrance of my life purpose agreement to be a wanderer and a Steward for Mother Earth. In the small print it says, Earth will be your home and there will be many, many many addresses along the way.
For a child from the stars, to arrive terrified of her chosen path, knowing full well that the very thing that she left behind and craves the most; home, family, security and connection, would be the very thing she would have the least control over, these memories are the most comforting medicine possible on the eve of another launch.
I weep with humility as I feel again the Grace That Guides My Way. When the edge of fear is fully integrated and the blessings of grace are allowed to unfold, ESPECIALLY for me, around home and community, security and belonging, I know I am on my true soul path.
Each time I go through this moving ritual, I can feel my consciousness dissolving old, old patterns of separation and building whole new neural networks of faith in those bridges that truly do connect to everywhere. I give thanks for the precious sanctuary that has held my life and brought me so so much joy for the past seven years, and open my heart in gratitude for the adventures, new beginnings and delights that my Mother Earth home are preparing for me, just over the bridge and down the road.